It feels like right now in my life everything is changing.
I'm a bit afraid to see where this leaves me, but at the same time I woke up this morning with a strange sort of optimism. Like all the things that are happening right now are taking me in the direction I was meant to have gone in some time past. I feel like there is something waiting for me that is going to be a part of who I am for the rest of my life once I find it.
Tomorrow is my last day here in the office, and this weekend will be the first time I'm moving more than ten minutes away from where I grew up. My sister is going to have her baby, most likely next week. I'm leaving behind a friend who I haven't been away from since we became friends in the first place. I just lost a friendship that I thought I would have till I died. I'll be going to school somewhere new, with renewed purpose.
It's all very horrifying. I've been extremely emotional this past week. I'm strangely emotional typing this --I feel a thrill at the possibilities and opportunities I know wait for me, but upset about all the things that I'm moving away from. The differing emotions are sort of making me nauseous.
I know this is the right thing to do. Every instinct tells me it is... but I'm scared. That my instincts are wrong. That I'm making a rolling snowball of bad decisions.
When I think about Noah, my sister's soon-to-be son, and playing with him, and his little baby face smiling... I have to fight not to cry with how happy it makes me. It's the main reason why I am making this move. At the same time... it makes me equally upset thinking that this move was a large catalyst to the friendship I recently lost, a friendship that I thought I would have with and around me if and when I ever had a child of my own.
But I know this move is something I need. I can tell, I just *know*, that my life is meant to go this way --but what if it's not?
I always thought I was someone who could roll with the punches, but this whole thing has me on the verge of a breakdown. How can one small move feel like the best thing in the world but fill me with dread I have never known so completely? I feel like this move is the metaphorical fork in the road. The one big thing that will make the difference in the end.
Maybe it's just that it's happening so fast, or that it's happening so soon, but I feel like I'm not ready for whatever chapter I'm on, but that I would be making a huge mistake if I didn't go ahead.
I got new glasses yesterday, and in a strange way I feel like I've got a whole new face... and I just hope that it's the right one to head into this with.